It's been a while..

It's been a long time, I've been up and down and all around the world inside my little world and here I am again. It's been a change of pace a change of job a change of living space a change of me and back to old me and then change again. It never stops changing here and that's ok, I like the change I like the constant roar of back and forth of not quite knowing where I'll be or who I'll be when I wake up.

So Since I've been away aside from the job and new place to live I've given up on love and then found it again ( funny how the universe will always pop along to dangle some sort of delicious treat in the form of something you've just given up to tempt you just as you swear you'll never eat it again and before you know it your stuffing your face full of it, but that's ok too I like it. ) I went to my local psych for an evaluation and apparently I'm not to crazy to go to the gender clinic and so i got an appointment for October, I was happy to wait, I'd waited this long and a few months for time to adjust to the idea of doing something about changing was nothing compared to the years I've spent agonizing over whether or not I should do anything at all. Then I got a letter saying my appointment has been pushed up to June, suddenly the reality is more real and more scary. I'm torn between the excitement and the wanting to finally move a little further along that road to being more me and the fear of what that me might be. How will I change, who will I change into, will I like the me I become? Will this change change the friends I have found or the friends I have kept. Will I remember to take a breath every now and then to take stock and just make sure I am really going where I want to go. Everything is changing..

Depression

I've been fighting with the dark cloud the last few months and lately it feels like it's winning. I get up every morning, but can't seem to get myself out into the sun or even some days off the sofa. I sleep and sleep and sleep and when I am not sleeping I am eating. Funny how quickly you forget the pain of living with this cloud only a few months ago I was bouncing round the city as if I'd never known the emptiness the spacial silence of this mood destroyer of this living death.

I am resolved to fight it though, I have already given 20 years away to this demon and I won't give in again without a fight. I keep asking myself what is it your so afraid of? why do you let this madness paralyze you and stop you from finding some acceptable existence. I dream of travel and experience nothing excessive mind you. I don't want to be a millionaire or famous, I just want to live the life I dream of the one where I want to do something and I do it, how can that be something to be afraid of?