A Quick Note

I know I need to find some time to sit down and write something here, right now I am being distracted away by the allure of exercising and getting a body that looks and feels more like the me I imagine myself to be I don't know why I have wasted so much time ignoring my body and abusing it when all I had to do was work it until I at least had something closer to the lean mean body I imagine myself to have. Funny how something so blindingly obvious has taken me so long to work out for myself. I am relishing every change as the fat melts away I can see myself becoming more and more the masculine body I have always believed was there I am excited by it and want to just keep on going. Running, cycling and weights are my new friends and they make me very happy. I really am very excited by this discovering of a new me under my fat and I can't wait till I get a binder and packer and truly transform into something I had always dreamed I was, obviously the adrenaline from the nights bike ride hasn't worn off yet.

Here's the thing.

I've been playing around with a bit of male power dressing as of late and going out, what I mean by that is basically that I wear a suit. Now I like suits, I like the cut and the line, there is something very protective about them almost like armour.

I've had some interesting responses both from other people and more surprisingly from myself. People are either intimidated or intrigued by me in a suit, not really all that surprising and not so different I guess from me normally. Some people have commented on how they like the way I look in a suit and others avoid eye contact at all costs as if I may attack them if they do, which of course I wouldn't

But here's the really big thing for me, I don't really like myself in a suit. It's a recent phenomena, since I have started taking care of my body and loosing weight. I have decided that I am not lean enough to look good in a suit weird eh? I put on a shirt and tie and all I can see are curves and bulges, it's is almost as if the maleness of the suit exposes me as being female and it makes me uncomfortable.

I am genuinely surprised by this, I find myself thinking about chest binding ( I've not really thought of that since I was a kid ). I just feel like another butch dyke in a shirt and tie, which makes me feel kinda sad, I'm not sure what it means for me because I do love the old shirt and tie. Anyway I took off said shirt and tie and put on a t-shirt and I instantly felt like my old male self again this really is one of the strangest things I think I've ever noticed about myself. Maybe my feelings will change once I drop some more and start looking a bit leaner but if not what does this mean for my relationship with the suit?