Dorian Wood

Every once in a while you get to see magic in action, you may not always recognize it but it's definitely there and you know something is going on but you just cant quite work it out. Last Tuesday was a full moon I didn't notice it till afterwards when I walked out of a sauna like Bar Wotever (BW) and looked up into the sky and saw her looking back at me.

I wasn't going to go that evening, I was tired and fed up and a little angry with the world for being so unresponsive to my worries and frustrations. I thought a quiet night in may be just the ticket and thought again and again about canceling the meet up I had arranged with my friend there. I didn't even know he was playing, I didn't even know who he was. At about 6pm I finally dragged my ugly carcass out and made my way over to BW I was just going to have a quick non-alcoholic drink and then head back, the place was already full and full of faces I recognized either met before or saw before I was a little taken aback by it. The room was humming a little with that quiet excitement and anticipation. So I sat with my friend and talked to her for a bit she wasn't there for the show so I wandered about a little, made a clumsy attempt at wishing Gregory Happy Birthday, luckily no one was hurt in the exercise. It's funny really I never got into school politics but my nervousness around people I want to talk to but can't seem to is kind of like me being a nerd and trying to talk to the cool kids, I know it makes no sense, anyway I digress.

So on talking to some people I can talk to I discovered that a young singer songwriter by the name of Dorian Wood was playing. That he had played about a year ago before and was back everyone was very excited about it and like me I found a lot of people had considered not coming tonight but were really glad they did, subtle magics bring people together. The place was packed by the time Dorian was announced, just a keyboard and a rather imposing figure with his head wrapped in a lace scarf. I had seen him before I remember feeling a touch of intimidation because of that scarf, funny really something so delicate could be used to provoke that in me. Then he plays..

It's been a long time, a long time since I have heard a voice that could sing my heart to pieces and make my soul want to sing out with it. Such depth and tone washed over me, such richness and delicate beauty, and words that grabbed me and shook me and made me drunk for more. 

The room closes in around me it's attention swung in the direction of his playing and he sings, what a voice! Every so often you hear a voice that can reach down into you and rip out your heart that's Dorian Wood. There is a richness of tone and emotion that is a rare thing to hear. His lyrics dark and beautiful reminding me of something in myself I had long since walked away from, something I had in the past only ever associated with self destruction he celebrated and used it to create something deeply beautiful. 

I was inspired and uplifted by his work and I was not the only one. The audience hung on his every note and when he called on us for reprise many responded with enthusiasm the room was full of the love in his music and we all were affected.  I didn't want it to end but sadly it did though the magic of his music hung there for the night, people left calmer, softer and a little happier than when the got there, all glad we had managed to be there to share in it. Thanks Wotever for an amazing night!

Back from the brink

Well here I am again, it's been a while I have been living the life of the party hardcore in Paris no less and thinking a lot about writing but not getting much done. I have started on the entries I want to do for two other films but can't seem to find the right way to express them right now so I thought I'd just jot something down here so that there was something new at least to see.

I had a lot of interesting experiences over this weekend I had a spate of putting myself out there and telling some more people ( still no women ) about my identifying as Trans they were so unexpectedly lovely about it, it truly broke my heart and filled me with a great big love for them not once did I feel like I was being judged for my choices and even some I told spoke of how they also identified in a similar way it was beautiful. 

I also talked again to the friend who I had told a while back and felt uncomfortable for it and realized that the discomfort was mine to own and he had actually gone out of his way to find out more about it so he could talk to me I was blown away truly. I could of died happy there, I know it won't always be that way, I know some people will never understand or at least not want to and that is always going to hurt a little but this gave me so much hope and strength it really did and for one beautiful weekend I felt like one of the guys in a real sense not just an invisible one.

So it has also left me wondering about what the Trans community is indeed doing to the gender/sexuality landscape and funnily enough another friend of mine tweeted re this in the context of an FTM letter sent to Irene Chaiken about the way Max has been portrayed in the L word. I so starved of anything even remotely close to what I was lapped this character up and not thinking about it in to deep away saw it as a positive step for trans people to be in the series and having issues delt with, getting information out there, but reading this letter ( to be found here http://www.autostraddle.com/a-letter-to-mama-chaiken-from-ftm-computer-search-champion-mighty-max-sweeney/ ) Made me look at his character in a wider context and I have not seen the last season so was unaware of just how bad it had got.  

I could indeed see the erosion of this character in the series going from a reasonably central position with story lines that tackled some of the issues and the potential to educate to a sideshow anomaly to be gawped at and pitied. I was of course saddened by this and can only hope that we can find a way ourselves in the Trans community to get messages out there and let people know what it means. 

I also saw a very interesting quote on this site speaking about the potential of Trans people to rewrite the gender/sexuality landscape because we can't be defined by the rules in place it was put much more eloquently there another reason to go have a look. It really spoke to me and has left me having to think very carefully about how this landscape of mine is changing, everyday it changes sometimes radically sometimes barely at all but it is in constant flux and I am finding more and more comfort with that. 

I have started using the male pronoun in some places and being more deliberate in my attempts to pass. I am learning to find the courage to define myself for the first time in my life and answer the sometimes tough and sometimes stupid questions that come with that statement I am slowly coming out and it does scare me, but so far everytime I have taken a step out I have been rewarded for it and that is something I never expected.

I have also been thinking more and more about taking T, I have been reading what has been said about it from those who have taken it and I am still investigating what it will do to me mind and body. Taking anything like this I don't think should be done lightly but I am very much interested in knowing more.

Loosing to gain.

I came across an interesting comment yesterday by a trans person who talked about their feelings of loss for the gender they were leaving in order to be the gender they are meant to be. This really struck a chord with me. All too often we are presented with the requirements for absolutes in this world and humans just don't work that way. We give and take, weigh out the pros's and con's in order to find what we hope is a decision we can live with.

When I was much younger I was a much more black and white person and had I had the opportunity I am fairly sure I would of ploughed ahead with transitioning not really considering much the cost of that change. Maybe I would of been happier, maybe I would of adjusted to the world more readily, but maybe the answers I was looking for in that transition would not of been there. What then?

Basically I hated my body to the point that I denied it's existence, the very thought of taking off my clothes on my own ( much less another person ) was torture. I went through years of depression and self loathing, but in time I formed a sort of truce with my body and now I am not so sure I am willing now to go through what I would of so readily run into as a young person. Those years have changed me, made me something I didn't even imagine as a youth was possible and now I look to explore avenues which simply weren't there for me years ago.

I'm not saying this is the way it should be for everyone, no way, I wouldn't wish those years of being invisible and inconsequential on anyone. Of feeling worthless and without hope, I'm just noticing for the first time that not taking that option hasn't stopped me for evolving and adapting to find something new in myself a place where I have decided I can exist and have for some time I think. I don't know if it'll be that way forever, probably not. It is in my nature and I think the nature of all people to change a little bit everyday. So who knows where this might take me especially now I am finding doors that lead me to new people who share these feelings or at least ideas.

It really is like a new world out there and how quickly the world opened up, maybe because it's finally the right time to go out and find the parts of me I am missing. I am also wondering about the parts of me I already have, what do I keep, what do I give up, why should I give up anything?

Thought for the day. 09/03/09

I have over the years kept quiet about this subject as mentioned before. I have told myself to forget it, get on with things, that its all just in my imagination, a flight of fancy. I could keep on that way I suppose, but when you do that, deny the existence of part of yourself you loose more than just that part. You loose the ability to trust in yourself, you stop believing in quiet but very important parts of yourself, like intuition and self assurance. It took me a long time to realize this, I guess I'm a slow learner.

I have to believe I'm not making this up, I've carried these feelings around for basically my whole life. If it was just a flight of fancy surely I would of just let it go by now and for the first time I am accepting it I am finding happiness and confidence in myself. A desire to be better in myself and more me and to explore me, surely this means something.

I still haven't really talked to anyone who is out as a transgendered person about this stuff. I am still nervous about talking to another person and saying the words I've kept quiet for so long out loud. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, rejection, that I'll find myself wanting to change in ways that will upset the people I love again, that I'll get carried away into a place I wasn't really meaning to go, I don't know all these things and more. Even if these things come to pass I have to find a way to say out load and talk about this with other people who understand I need to grow and find a way to make this part of who I am not something I hide away and let eat at me from the inside.