Small Steps 2

So I have been accepted onto the messageboard I registered with and spent my usual blogging time on it hence my lack of a post. How exciting, I am trawling through posts like a starving creature drinking in everything I can and trying to think of things to say and get involved. I'm probably trying too hard and am still nervous about the whole thing.

You would think I'd feel comfortable really but after so long not being able to talk about how I feel even now in a place where I can I worry about saying something that will make people disapprove or think less of me for it. I for all my claims of Independence and not giving a bleep just want to be somewhere where I can fit in and sometimes that need in me no matter how much it annoys me does turn me into something I'm not. It's a destructive behaviour which I need to gain some sort of control over because I shouldn't be hiding who and what I am, but finding people who will accept me and like me for who I am unhidden. Easier said than done, but it's down to me to put myself out there and not hide that's the long and short of it.

So far there people on the boards have been very welcoming and have encouraged me to post and get involved which is truly lovely and makes me feel excited about getting to know these people better, share ideas with them and hear what they have to say about their experiences. Already I have seen posts that have voiced things that I have felt in my life and it grabs at me in a way I don't have words to explain, it's frightening and alluring at the same time. I just want to dive in, get to know who these people are and tell them about me. They are getting involved and doing whatever they can think of to put their content out there. The energy is amazing and contagious and I do so hope I find a way to be a valued part of this world.

Looking back

When I started to consider that I may have gender issues ( which was how I used to describe myself, someone with gender issues ). There were only really two alternatives as far as I was aware, I could be a butch lesbian or become a FTM transsexual.

I considered the latter very very carefully not only because it is a huge thing to do and very difficult to find someone to do it, but also because of the way the people I loved reacted to the idea of me having operations to change my sex. To them I was a beautiful person inside and out and the idea of me having operations to remove my breasts and have male genitalia was just mutilation. I guess I could of ignored them and just gone ahead because it was what I at the time thought was right for me, but for whatever reason I didn't do that I put myself in their shoes and tried to see where they were coming from and I did see to enough of an extent to hold off. ( Just to clarify here this is purely to do with me and is in no way a comment on the way I think all people considering sex reassignment should think, everyone has do what's right for them I believe that very strongly ). Part of it was that, but the other part was because their reaction made me feel like what I was feeling was wrong and somehow dysfunctional. I stopped trying to talk to them about how I felt about my gender because I was afraid of upsetting them and for many years I stopped talking.



My behaviour became more and more destructive as I tried to find a way to reconcile my body image with my actual body. I was like a man dying of thirst in the desert, if anything come on TV about transsexuals I would drink in it but never satisfied and slightly tortured because I could not speak to people I trusted about what these things made me feel. If I'd had the facilities to access sex reassignment when I was younger I think it would of been a different story here, I think I would have had those operations. Now I am not so sure, but it makes me wonder. If I had had that chance what would I be like now, would I have gone the whole way? What would my name be? Would all the years I spent hating myself and ignoring my body of been happy and productive years? I am now happier with myself than I have ever been and I'm learning to find things to love and explore in my life rather than let it waste away but still I cannot help but wonder a little.