Small Steps 2

So I have been accepted onto the messageboard I registered with and spent my usual blogging time on it hence my lack of a post. How exciting, I am trawling through posts like a starving creature drinking in everything I can and trying to think of things to say and get involved. I'm probably trying too hard and am still nervous about the whole thing.

You would think I'd feel comfortable really but after so long not being able to talk about how I feel even now in a place where I can I worry about saying something that will make people disapprove or think less of me for it. I for all my claims of Independence and not giving a bleep just want to be somewhere where I can fit in and sometimes that need in me no matter how much it annoys me does turn me into something I'm not. It's a destructive behaviour which I need to gain some sort of control over because I shouldn't be hiding who and what I am, but finding people who will accept me and like me for who I am unhidden. Easier said than done, but it's down to me to put myself out there and not hide that's the long and short of it.

So far there people on the boards have been very welcoming and have encouraged me to post and get involved which is truly lovely and makes me feel excited about getting to know these people better, share ideas with them and hear what they have to say about their experiences. Already I have seen posts that have voiced things that I have felt in my life and it grabs at me in a way I don't have words to explain, it's frightening and alluring at the same time. I just want to dive in, get to know who these people are and tell them about me. They are getting involved and doing whatever they can think of to put their content out there. The energy is amazing and contagious and I do so hope I find a way to be a valued part of this world.

Small Steps

So today, I have registered on a transgender noticeboard, approval still pending. It is a small step into a place where I may be able to talk about things I am thinking and feeling and seeing what other people have to say and think about themselves. I have noticed a plethora of subgroups within the wider transgender umbrella and I find myself wondering what subgroup do I fit into? In my very basic understanding of the whole definition thing I believed I would come under transgender which I do but that covers all kinds of people that I am also not, so what am I?

More investigation is obviously required. Do I really need a label? Should I label myself? These feel like questions I should of answered years ago, it feels unfair and in a way childish to be asking them and yet I know ask them I must or i'll never work out what I'm about. It is quietly exciting but also very daunting to find myself at what feels like the begining all over again. Hopefully they will accept my registration and I can find out a bit more.