Well here I am again, it's been a while I have been living the life of the party hardcore in Paris no less and thinking a lot about writing but not getting much done. I have started on the entries I want to do for two other films but can't seem to find the right way to express them right now so I thought I'd just jot something down here so that there was something new at least to see.
I had a lot of interesting experiences over this weekend I had a spate of putting myself out there and telling some more people ( still no women ) about my identifying as Trans they were so unexpectedly lovely about it, it truly broke my heart and filled me with a great big love for them not once did I feel like I was being judged for my choices and even some I told spoke of how they also identified in a similar way it was beautiful.
I also talked again to the friend who I had told a while back and felt uncomfortable for it and realized that the discomfort was mine to own and he had actually gone out of his way to find out more about it so he could talk to me I was blown away truly. I could of died happy there, I know it won't always be that way, I know some people will never understand or at least not want to and that is always going to hurt a little but this gave me so much hope and strength it really did and for one beautiful weekend I felt like one of the guys in a real sense not just an invisible one.
So it has also left me wondering about what the Trans community is indeed doing to the gender/sexuality landscape and funnily enough another friend of mine tweeted re this in the context of an FTM letter sent to Irene Chaiken about the way Max has been portrayed in the L word. I so starved of anything even remotely close to what I was lapped this character up and not thinking about it in to deep away saw it as a positive step for trans people to be in the series and having issues delt with, getting information out there, but reading this letter ( to be found here http://www.autostraddle.com/a-letter-to-mama-chaiken-from-ftm-computer-search-champion-mighty-max-sweeney/ ) Made me look at his character in a wider context and I have not seen the last season so was unaware of just how bad it had got.
I could indeed see the erosion of this character in the series going from a reasonably central position with story lines that tackled some of the issues and the potential to educate to a sideshow anomaly to be gawped at and pitied. I was of course saddened by this and can only hope that we can find a way ourselves in the Trans community to get messages out there and let people know what it means.
I also saw a very interesting quote on this site speaking about the potential of Trans people to rewrite the gender/sexuality landscape because we can't be defined by the rules in place it was put much more eloquently there another reason to go have a look. It really spoke to me and has left me having to think very carefully about how this landscape of mine is changing, everyday it changes sometimes radically sometimes barely at all but it is in constant flux and I am finding more and more comfort with that.
I have started using the male pronoun in some places and being more deliberate in my attempts to pass. I am learning to find the courage to define myself for the first time in my life and answer the sometimes tough and sometimes stupid questions that come with that statement I am slowly coming out and it does scare me, but so far everytime I have taken a step out I have been rewarded for it and that is something I never expected.
I have also been thinking more and more about taking T, I have been reading what has been said about it from those who have taken it and I am still investigating what it will do to me mind and body. Taking anything like this I don't think should be done lightly but I am very much interested in knowing more.
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