Post Paris very post

So again here I am, not posted for a while and still have those tow reviews sitting in my to do list calling at me. I just seem to be out a lot at the moment due mainly to the lovely weather out there, I have been thinking about carrying a notebook to jot things down and then transpose to the blog as a way of keeping things up to date.

I have in the last few weeks met an FTM who is currently coming off T I have been looking at taking it myself mainly because of what other people have said re increased confidence and feeling better about oneself, I have also been a little curious about the strange side-effect that has now popped up on a few occasions regarding T usage and it's effect on sexuality. So here's the skinny, it looks like roughly in a very unscientific way I have observed that guys taking T have as much chance of changing their sexuality than of staying as they are.  What does it mean? How does it happen? I don't really see how T can have this effect on people but if it does in a purely chemical way then, well theorizing on it in a purely fantastical non-scientific way. In the wrong hands it could be developed and used for creating things like a straight drug. I don't like the idea of that. 

This forced me to think very carefully about what I was looking at doing, I don't need help passing really I do every day without any effort at all, in my mind I am male and I think that projects out and people pick up on that. In my family the men are as hairless as the women sometimes even more so I don't feel the need for any facial hair though sometimes I think it would be fun to have there is no certainty that I could even grow any taking T. Also I do think T has an effect on mood and I am trying very hard to stay stable at the moment after years of instability and I don't want to mess with my new found equilibrium. Finally increased sex drive, this may sound like fun but as I spend most of my time keep what I have under control the idea of more of it doesn't appeal all that much, it just sounds like more intense frustration. I am not however saying it isn't for others this is purely about my personal thoughts on me taking T not a judgement on anyone who takes it, I'd just like to say that. Everyone has to find their own way with this and everyone has a different way.

So with these thoughts in mind for the last week or so and the idea that societies binary demands on gender are the problem I took this issue to task in my mind and here's kind of how it went. I am male, I am not a man even with all the T and surgery I would not be a biological man. In a new gender landscape where my maleness is not defined by whether or not I have the right body parts can I find a way to accommodate the difference of inside and outside. I have done this for many years in a very destructive way and more recently in a more positive pro body kind of way and that is also down to the acceptance I have found in the Trans community, meet and being with people who accept me as male despite my female body has given me a huge amount of confidence and self worth. I have felt less and less like a freak with something horribly wrong and more and more like an actual person with a stake in the world. Strange I know I feel I have a place and a voice and a place to be where people will listen and not judge but share and grow with me, it is a lifeline this community.

I went a little off point there. Anyway accepting I am a male in a female body and that that is OK in the world, that I can indeed be a female bodied male I sat with that idea for a bit, I kinda liked it. In this new world where I can be any gender or combination of them and that's OK I can be this, obviously I can't get over years of being unhappy with my female body when I am male overnight but something changed in me with this idea that regardless of the shape of my body I could still be male, not a butch woman but male seemed to sooth something in me. I don't know how long it will last, if I will change my mind next week or next month or next year, but I am going to try and keep this image as long as I can and see where it takes me.