One of those mornings.

I've been waking up late, lately. It seems like the days just kind of catch up with me and I am left with a wave of exhaustion that will not go and I am overcome and pinned beneath my duvet for the day. As if that wasn't enough for one day, I woke up lonely, it happens when you live alone I think it must. Don't get me wrong I am really enjoying living on my own, being inappropriate in my own company, lounging around in my boxers all day, that sort of stuff. Every once in a while though I wake up wishing I could roll over, slip my arm round someone else's waist and pull them in close for a morning of just half dozing in each others arms. It's a lazy, sensual activity, that usually ends in one person kicking the other out of bed to make coffee or get some toast and some mornings I just wake up missing it.

A name

It's been a while now, circling about in my mind, not many of them just a few and one by one they faded away until only one remained. Oskar ( Oscar ). It's my name, the name I've chosen, I put the question out what seems like a hundred years ago and now, no longer afraid of the answer I have heard it call me out saying, ' I am your name'. It's not the coolest or fastest or sexiest of names, it's a bit like a bear or a cat or a well worn chair, a little gruff and not overly concerned with appearance more substance and I suppose that is why we have found each other. I've gone for the Scandinavian spelling because I get to keep the K from my old name I don't much care for the other letters but the K has a certain elegance which I have always loved and thus will be happy to keep in my name. 

So far the response has been surprisingly positive my friends old and new in their own ways have been very supportive and this always surprises me I must say. I keep waiting for the rejection the derision but there is only ever support and it really does amaze me fill me with such joy knowing that they care enough about me and to show me that it's ok and I do so love them for it. Asking if they can call me by my new name saying that it suits me, that I look like an Oskar. How small a thing to them it must seem to say but it dam near breaks my heart with happiness to hear it, because I suppose to me they are saying yes I can see you, the real you in that name under all that flesh that you don't own I can see you and it helps me again to take a little more ownership of the body I am in.

I met another transguy the other day he's close to the end of transition for him and before I knew what I was doing I was bombarding him with all the questions I should not really ask, but he was gracious and decent about the whole thing and dealt with my questions directly which was very wonderful of him. Once again though I found myself faced with the overwhelming desire within to follow that path. For him it seemed such a normal and natural way, he seemed so much more complete and maybe even a little at peace with himself in a way I dream of being one day. Maybe I was just projecting that onto him I don't know but once again I find myself wrestling with the question should I or should I not? I don't want to keep living in this turmoil it is exhausting and lonely and sometimes just painful. Yet at the same time I keep thinking I shouldn't have to be the one that changes here I am a man and that's all there is to it surely that is enough. It's enough for all the other millions of men out there who are overweight, have man boobs and small dicks, why do I need to change what I am with drastic surgeries and hormones to be more like them? Am I not just falling into a trap here? My transness is not something I need to cure surely? Why can I not find a way to enjoy and be proud of me as I already am? Why can't I just not care about the people who are too scared or confused by me why can't I just stop worrying about this?

Hard Choices

We all need a bit of physical contact, usually a hug from a friend and I've been thinking about this. What does someone touching you say, on a very unspoken level for me touching says I am accepted. That I am not some kind of monster or diseased or wrong, it says I think you are nice enough inside and out to make me want to physicially connect you to me in a non-sexual way.

Lately thoguh I am finding it harder and harder to let people touch me, it's not that I don't want it because I really do and in a way that is the problem. I crave that physical contact in a way that when someone does give me a hug or touch my arm it is so intensely personal fo me that it is uncomfortable. I miss the physicality of people only recently have I found people around me willing to touch me in a friendly way and it is addictive. I must keep acceptable boundries even though I am not sure where they are. I cannot allow myself to crave that contact the way I do, I may have to go back to my glass bubble just to keep my sanity.