Take 2

Well I managed to get myself up this morning and headed off to the GP, not feeling the best anyway so it won't be a wasted trip I think. The receptionist was very pleasant today unlike the time before maybe it was the sunshine and the warm weather who knows but it was good to not have to do battle with and angry receptionist about why I missed the fist appointment.

So to my surprise she offered me an appointment today, which I took before I could think about it. Now here I am sitting at home on a truly spectacular day in my dark front room, worrying about not saying the right thing to get my referral. I mean I am not in the business of being dishonest about my gender identity but I know that in a system one must meet the requirements of that system to get what one requires, do I meet those requirements? Do I tick the magic boxes? What are the magic boxes? Can my GP refuse just because he doesn't agree with what I am trying to do? Do I even need to ask for anything more than a referral and not even mention my gender issues? So many questions, even more than the ones here. All I can do is trust that what ever it is that occurs I am able to deal with it.

Doctor fail

I missed my appointment today, I don't know if it was an unconscious or deliberate attempt to sabotage myself and miss it because I am scared or if I am just so dam tired and that everything has finally gotten the better of me so I just didn't have enough brain space left to remember it. I am hoping it is the latter, anyway I am going to give myself a break and with any luck it'll give me a chance to get some air in my lungs again. I'll take one of those deep cleansing breaths everyone always goes on about and start again.

I've been slowly but surely slipping off the rails the last few weeks, bit by bit I've watched my triggers of control turn into triggers for self destruction again. I know I am tired and people close to me keep urging me to go and see someone who can help inevitably it makes me more rebellious at the moment like a petulant child I find myself pushing more and more against what little I have left and plunging myself deeper into the icy waters of self loathing. I don't want to lie there and yet it is a comfortable pain I am accustomed to. I hate it and yet it strangely is familiar and reassuring to me. I wish in a way I was more Byronesque in my pursuits, that I would wantonly covet the conquests of innocent ladies and nubile young men and revel in their corruption. Instead I seem only to enjoy the perverse desecration on my own flesh through the abuse of food and alcohol how very disappointing of me.

A name

It's been a while now, circling about in my mind, not many of them just a few and one by one they faded away until only one remained. Oskar ( Oscar ). It's my name, the name I've chosen, I put the question out what seems like a hundred years ago and now, no longer afraid of the answer I have heard it call me out saying, ' I am your name'. It's not the coolest or fastest or sexiest of names, it's a bit like a bear or a cat or a well worn chair, a little gruff and not overly concerned with appearance more substance and I suppose that is why we have found each other. I've gone for the Scandinavian spelling because I get to keep the K from my old name I don't much care for the other letters but the K has a certain elegance which I have always loved and thus will be happy to keep in my name. 

So far the response has been surprisingly positive my friends old and new in their own ways have been very supportive and this always surprises me I must say. I keep waiting for the rejection the derision but there is only ever support and it really does amaze me fill me with such joy knowing that they care enough about me and to show me that it's ok and I do so love them for it. Asking if they can call me by my new name saying that it suits me, that I look like an Oskar. How small a thing to them it must seem to say but it dam near breaks my heart with happiness to hear it, because I suppose to me they are saying yes I can see you, the real you in that name under all that flesh that you don't own I can see you and it helps me again to take a little more ownership of the body I am in.

I met another transguy the other day he's close to the end of transition for him and before I knew what I was doing I was bombarding him with all the questions I should not really ask, but he was gracious and decent about the whole thing and dealt with my questions directly which was very wonderful of him. Once again though I found myself faced with the overwhelming desire within to follow that path. For him it seemed such a normal and natural way, he seemed so much more complete and maybe even a little at peace with himself in a way I dream of being one day. Maybe I was just projecting that onto him I don't know but once again I find myself wrestling with the question should I or should I not? I don't want to keep living in this turmoil it is exhausting and lonely and sometimes just painful. Yet at the same time I keep thinking I shouldn't have to be the one that changes here I am a man and that's all there is to it surely that is enough. It's enough for all the other millions of men out there who are overweight, have man boobs and small dicks, why do I need to change what I am with drastic surgeries and hormones to be more like them? Am I not just falling into a trap here? My transness is not something I need to cure surely? Why can I not find a way to enjoy and be proud of me as I already am? Why can't I just not care about the people who are too scared or confused by me why can't I just stop worrying about this?