Steps and Starts

I didn't think it would be a big deal this, walking down the road to somewhere I've been before, the windows frosted so no one can look in, not that they'd want to anyway I'm sure. I've been here before long ago for a whole different reason, same purpose, different reason. This new purpose, new resolve it's a bit like burning, it warms and hurts me. Makes me question so much that I am not even sure I should be doing this. My heart pounds nervously against my ribs, I feel cold and my skin is hot as I fill out forms and give the uninterested bordering on belligerent receptionist my 3 forms of ID.

It's been playing on my mind for months now, this question, I could not find an answer. It twisted it's way around and inside me like wire, cutting and strangling out the small corner of joy and peace I had dug out. I slept on it for night after night turning the question over and over in my mind. What if, why not, but, maybe it's like a nest of worms these questions turning in my guts, strangling the air out of me until I can't think about anything else. I want to talk about it, to anyone who will listen and yet when they are in earshot I can't find a word to say out loud. My tongue rebellious will not speak of it, my guts rot with the questions swallowed by it.

So here I am, I could not ask anymore, I could not circle it one more time, here I am exhausted and broken by myself in this dirty GP office registering to ask for a referral to a Psychologist. They say at best it'll take 7 months for a referral and a part of me sighs with relief I want the time, I need it. I can't rush into this I think secretly I am hoping that in time the idea will wear away, just be a phase or someone will say nope that's not what it is, it's this. Somewhere I'm hoping against hope someone can prove me wrong. Pluck this thought out of me and put it in a jar filled with surgical spirit sterilized and confined so I can take it home and show it off like a gall stone whenever I need to whip out an entertaining anecdote. I remember the time I thought I wanted a different body *big belly laugh*.

I am terrified I won't find that middle ground I am fighting so hard to stay on, I'll be swept away in the promise of it all, find that what I really want, what I cannot deny is to get on that train and ride it all the way...