Words

Everyday I try and take a step closer to being the me I dream I am. Everyday I'm a little bit stronger for it, though some days it doesn't feel like it. I've spent so long trying to bury this me away hide him from the daylight so the people I could not bear to be without would not be horrified or repulsed by me. I'm slowly learning that they come round bit by bit once the shock has worn off the truly genuine ones they take a step back and find a way to accept what to them feels like a sudden change and I have to try and remember that. I have to find patience here, I'm bursting to get out and terrified at the same time what has been festering and clawing at my insides for decades now is finally being let out and although I am eager to be the me I have always been I am so deeply afraid of what it could mean, how far will I want to go, what if I can't trust myself to stop when I want to but go on beyond for the sake of acceptance they way I have hidden away for so long for the same. I hope I have learned that lesson and that the support I am finding in my friends old and new will keep that seemly lonely and desperate to please side of me in check.

For so long I have told myself no this isn't right no I don't feel this way and even though now I have accepted that I do vocalizing it and expressing it to others feels so difficult I have to push the words out, they stick in my gut as my tongue point blank refuses to work and the more I want to say these things the more resistant my body becomes. It's like a reflex for me now I feel the desire or curiosity build a sweet question or wandering fantasy grow and then burn into my bones where it is locked away and never spoken. So now I try and float the words before they become so meaningful find a way to say yes before the no reflex has a chance to kick in it doesn't always work but I just keep telling myself it's OK these words are mine and to say them is for me and no one else. I need these words to fly, be heard, draw pictures in the minds of others so that I too can take form and find reference in this world.