Depression

I've been fighting with the dark cloud the last few months and lately it feels like it's winning. I get up every morning, but can't seem to get myself out into the sun or even some days off the sofa. I sleep and sleep and sleep and when I am not sleeping I am eating. Funny how quickly you forget the pain of living with this cloud only a few months ago I was bouncing round the city as if I'd never known the emptiness the spacial silence of this mood destroyer of this living death.

I am resolved to fight it though, I have already given 20 years away to this demon and I won't give in again without a fight. I keep asking myself what is it your so afraid of? why do you let this madness paralyze you and stop you from finding some acceptable existence. I dream of travel and experience nothing excessive mind you. I don't want to be a millionaire or famous, I just want to live the life I dream of the one where I want to do something and I do it, how can that be something to be afraid of? 

Reflection

On reflection, I've come to realize that I was always a little jealous of my brother, he suffered for it being the youngest and me an angry elder child. I hadn't really any understanding of it then but when he was born my place as a girl in the family was more firmly set. I didn't know it but I felt it, he was the beautiful boy I should of been and I was no longer the surrogate son of my father. I could be a tomboy as my mother had been growing up but I would never be a boy.