The Appointment..

On the bus on the train walking round the streets in a daze it feels like I can't seem to catch my breath right now. I feel like something shimmering in between, both excited and afraid of what I may find in the time ahead of me. I make myself small and invisible and yet still feeling eyes upon me as I walk by I can't help but find myself questioning this path I have chosen for the millionth time again. All the upheaval all the disapproval of it. It would be so much easier and safer to stay locked away safe in the darkness of my secrets. Is this what it is like to be in the closet? Funny how I have spent my whole life out of the closet only to find I was in one all along.

Back on the street my feet taking me closer to the place of no return finally setting myself on that road. Step and step and step and step, not much longer now, step, step, you don't have to do anything now you can just take your time, step, step, I'm at the door, looks like a door to a fancy house, only it's not a front door it's a side door off the main street in a building not attached to the Hospital campus with signs that talk about mental health. I can't help but feeling a wave of irony touch me. Here I am coming out into the world stepping out into the sunlight so to speak in a little side road through the metal health door. I guess this is a day for readjusting my perspective.

My appointment starts on time my mind is shutting itself away tucking up tight like a child hiding under the stairs, I need to be able to talk, tell her how this works for me, why I need this. Panic rising and pushing up against my mouth like a bitter bile it freezes my tongue. The answers to her questions are short and superficial, I feel myself cringing inside scrabbling round for some semblance of eloquence in the hope that I may rescue myself. The hour lingers on almost as if time has slowed down to give me the chance to save myself, but there will be no saving today I fear. 'Do you have any questions you want to ask me?' I look at her blankly my face impassive while my mind races round like a hamster trying to grab hold of everything at once, anything for once. 'No I think I'm fine.' I should of just shot myself right there and then and now it's gone the moment passed she's walking out the door and I am left to pick up my stuff and go, dismissed..

Not Unexpected..

I called the GIC this morning still holding onto the referral letter like I am afraid it will suddenly disappear if I let it go. I tell them I have a letter from my GP and he said I should just turn up with it and they said no that isn't how it works. I am not really surprised, I felt it was wrong all along but I really was hoping against hope that I could just magically just turn up with a letter and then I could start getting things done. Well it is an important lesson for me to listen to the people who have already gone through this and not my GP, funny how when in a situation where I am unsure of myself, I almost always automatically defer to the nearest person of authority even if I do not trust that person knows what they are doing. It's a dangerous trait, one that could get me into all sorts of trouble.

Luckily the letter he has given me is not completely useless, I can send it in and they will have it on record for me and use it to contact my GP so it sort of like half of the puzzle key. The other half is to get a referral to a local psychologist, I suspect this could take quite a while so I will need to get onto that, but at least I am doing something I think that is also part of the battle for me. I allowed myself some dreaming yesterday. Wandering through the sites of FTM's who have been through or are going through their journeys. I was excited at the prospect of that being me one day but also sad. The more I look at this the more I want to go forward with it and the more I realize that I have a lot to loose. Those questions won't ever go away I don't think and the thought of no longer being part of the lesbian community because I don't look like a woman anymore is deeply painful. I hope in the time it takes me to change, things will have moved on a little for us and that this trend toward fracturing in the Queer community finally has it's day and we can all just be queer together.

Doctor fail

I missed my appointment today, I don't know if it was an unconscious or deliberate attempt to sabotage myself and miss it because I am scared or if I am just so dam tired and that everything has finally gotten the better of me so I just didn't have enough brain space left to remember it. I am hoping it is the latter, anyway I am going to give myself a break and with any luck it'll give me a chance to get some air in my lungs again. I'll take one of those deep cleansing breaths everyone always goes on about and start again.

I've been slowly but surely slipping off the rails the last few weeks, bit by bit I've watched my triggers of control turn into triggers for self destruction again. I know I am tired and people close to me keep urging me to go and see someone who can help inevitably it makes me more rebellious at the moment like a petulant child I find myself pushing more and more against what little I have left and plunging myself deeper into the icy waters of self loathing. I don't want to lie there and yet it is a comfortable pain I am accustomed to. I hate it and yet it strangely is familiar and reassuring to me. I wish in a way I was more Byronesque in my pursuits, that I would wantonly covet the conquests of innocent ladies and nubile young men and revel in their corruption. Instead I seem only to enjoy the perverse desecration on my own flesh through the abuse of food and alcohol how very disappointing of me.