I missed my appointment today, I don't know if it was an unconscious or deliberate attempt to sabotage myself and miss it because I am scared or if I am just so dam tired and that everything has finally gotten the better of me so I just didn't have enough brain space left to remember it. I am hoping it is the latter, anyway I am going to give myself a break and with any luck it'll give me a chance to get some air in my lungs again. I'll take one of those deep cleansing breaths everyone always goes on about and start again.
I've been slowly but surely slipping off the rails the last few weeks, bit by bit I've watched my triggers of control turn into triggers for self destruction again. I know I am tired and people close to me keep urging me to go and see someone who can help inevitably it makes me more rebellious at the moment like a petulant child I find myself pushing more and more against what little I have left and plunging myself deeper into the icy waters of self loathing. I don't want to lie there and yet it is a comfortable pain I am accustomed to. I hate it and yet it strangely is familiar and reassuring to me. I wish in a way I was more Byronesque in my pursuits, that I would wantonly covet the conquests of innocent ladies and nubile young men and revel in their corruption. Instead I seem only to enjoy the perverse desecration on my own flesh through the abuse of food and alcohol how very disappointing of me.
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