I'm in a dark place today, I stood in the shower turned the hot water right up and secretly hoped that if the water got hot enough it might wash my breasts away and leave me with something closer to what I feel underneath. It sounds strange I know stupid even, I suppose I hope somehow that the need to make a decision I can settle with would be taken away from me and I could just somehow fall into being physically more myself without having to deal with the confusion and uncertainty I seem to have to deal with to get there.
I wonder sometimes quietly in the back of my mind where I don't want to say out loud if I'd be on some level a bit relieved if I was diagnosed with something that would require me to have my breasts removed. I thought I was comfortable with my body or at least resigned to it but today I feel trapped and alone and desperate to escape this flesh. I am in a dark place today.
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