The Pronoun

So I have been thinking about this alot the last few days, in fact it has strangely dominated my train of thought making any other kind of posting on other musings quite impossible. Usually in the day to day I don't really think much about what pronoun is used in connection with me it all seems much of a muchness and quite pointless I guess because I mainly feel a bit of both one day this one day that sometimes both at the same time and I don't really know what that means at the end of the day, but then something kind of strange happened.

I was at one of the shows I have been going to see and someone asked which gender preferred to be referred to as and I gave my usual oh it doesn't matter thing and they then used the she pronoun. I was instantly irked by such a thing and I am not sure why, I had just given my permission to use either yet when 'she' was chosen I was upset by it and since then I have had to think very carefully about this, I've tossed it over and over in my mind and still could not work out why it bothered me. Then a few days later it happened again this time in a different place, same circumstance I gave my consent to use either and they chose 'she' again I felt my gut twist with something akin to but not quite pain as the sound touched me. It sounded alien and as if it didn't belong to me and yet everyday I am referred to in this manner why does it bother me now?

I have to ask myself am I afraid to be called he? Is that why I give my permission to use either? Do I secretly wish that people will see the inner male and choose that pronoun? And why an earth does the pronoun even matter to me so bloody much, I must admit I am angry with myself for what feels like childish behaviour. I suppose on some level it is just that, the people I have been mixing with they accept trans identities and I want to be recognized for that I suppose I am secretly hoping that they will see the inner boy or man or whatever it is and say 'he' instead so that I can for a moment be somewhere where I am not a freak or have people embarrassed because they have mistaken me for a man and see how it feels for me to be 'he'. Of course it is completely silly of me to think that anyone would be able to know this and me begin in the positions of those people would do exactly the same and use 'she' so this is about me again.

I am very seriously looking into some binding and packing options, still a little bit scared to buy them but I keep getting on the web and looking at the websites and I have asked a few people on the TF board about it and they totally recommend it so I think I must try and find the courage to get on with it and give it a try and then see if the pronoun I secretly wish for is used, I hope it is and this way it means I really can be both male and female in this body and I think that could be quite beautiful and I think maybe I could live with that or at least I hope I can. We shall have to see, it's funny though that the thing that is the scariest and the hardest is this, to become more me.