Gin and Confusion

Well It's been a few days since my last post mainly because my weekend seemed to begin on Thursday and didn't finish till Sunday night. I feel like I've been on a bit of a roller coaster from the heady highs of Thursday at RVT to the weary lows of Sunday night. In between that I partied and drank and generally had a good time, but there were also moments over that time that now I am filled with confusion and some regret over.

Funnily enough maybe because I have spent most of my weekend thinking about it I noticed some posts come up about coming out to people and whether or not you should or if it's any of their business etc. A really good question and I am starting to wonder more and more, do I really need to tell people who are not like myself about my gender identity. It doesn't make me feel good about myself to tell people who don't have these questions, in fact I feel childish and attention seeking and once again I am finding myself avoiding the word transgender and feeling as if I don't have the right to use it because I am constantly in conflict about it and scared and I feel like I should be more sure I guess.

It all comes down to one moment over the last few days and nights I guess. In general I have found gay men to be more accepting than women about my thoughts. Most of the time women react in a rather shocked and disbelieving way. There is no obvious disapproval but I can't help but feel behind the surface there is something there that finds this aspect of me to be not just unattractive but on some level abhorrent. I suppose it is not really surprising as on the surface it can be seen as a rejection of the female gender, I suppose I could just be projecting that because of my own questions but I have yet to meet a woman who gives me the impression that it isn't a big deal.

Gay men I have known on the other hand seem unfazed and even in some instances encouraging of my feelings and maybe this is why I was lulled into what I think now may have been a false sense of security. So I was out partying with my male friends, I am naturally more at ease with men I feel I can be myself and they seem to understand the way I am. We partied late into the night and at about 3am started just chatting generally in a fairly drunken way and I mentioned I had gender identity issues ( which is how I tend to refer to it as I am still a little uncomfortable with the word transgender I guess ).

One of my friends had heard it all before and was fairly uninterested in the whole thing but the other had not and he asked me about it. I explained as best I could in my drunken state and then the subject was dropped. The next day upon sobering I looked back at that conversation and felt unsettled by it and I think my friend may have been too as we avoided each other pretty much for the following day. Which only served to expose and grow my feeling of unsettledness and I started to think to myself that maybe it's not really a good idea for me to talk about this stuff with my friends.

I need on some level to talk to people about it because, by talking it helps me work out what I mean in my own head, but I need people who can understand and don't mind telling me how they have dealt with it. It's difficult for me to come to terms with this because I can't physically grab hold of something and say hey here it is this is what it looks like. It has no real tangibility except within me, beneath the surface and when I talk to people who can't feel that I find myself questioning those feelings and questioning myself.