Hey world, it's been a tough week, I'm feeling lonely and frustrated and in need of some wild abandon on the dance floor to melt away the weeks stresses and strains. I've been a lone girl in a room with no windows full of men and they haven't let me forget it for a second I am a little demoralized by it all and long for Friday when I won't have to see them anymore.
I don't know if I am feeling a little bit more fragile than I usually do because I don't often let stuff like this bother me. Most days I just play the one of the boys card but I can't seem to bring myself to do it here. Their comments are testing I can feel them probing with their wife jokes and eye candy comments to see just how far they can push me, will I snap, will I run away and cry no I just pretend it doesn't happen even though it does wear me out day after day. What is it they are trying to achieve with this? I am intimidating them that is obvious but I don't really understand why and I am too tired to care right now.
Roll on Friday, Friday night of music and drink and dancing till my legs and hips feel like they will fall off. It is one of the few times I enjoy the femaleness of my body when I dance the rolling curves and curls of back and hip that I never really see men do. It is one of the few places I enjoy feeling female though this too comes at a price what does it mean for me in terms of my gender identity. I feel more and more that I cannot choose one or the other when it comes to gender that for me choosing one is to reject the other and I am not sure that is the right thing for me to do with myself I am learning and finding parts of myself that I am enjoying like this dancing me. Maybe it is selfish but I don't believe I should ave to choose one or the other I think it is a limitation on society to not be able to find space for me as both and that I am all kinds of people in the world who would enjoy being both instead of one or the other suffer a little and sometimes alot for it.
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