Loosing to gain.

I came across an interesting comment yesterday by a trans person who talked about their feelings of loss for the gender they were leaving in order to be the gender they are meant to be. This really struck a chord with me. All too often we are presented with the requirements for absolutes in this world and humans just don't work that way. We give and take, weigh out the pros's and con's in order to find what we hope is a decision we can live with.

When I was much younger I was a much more black and white person and had I had the opportunity I am fairly sure I would of ploughed ahead with transitioning not really considering much the cost of that change. Maybe I would of been happier, maybe I would of adjusted to the world more readily, but maybe the answers I was looking for in that transition would not of been there. What then?

Basically I hated my body to the point that I denied it's existence, the very thought of taking off my clothes on my own ( much less another person ) was torture. I went through years of depression and self loathing, but in time I formed a sort of truce with my body and now I am not so sure I am willing now to go through what I would of so readily run into as a young person. Those years have changed me, made me something I didn't even imagine as a youth was possible and now I look to explore avenues which simply weren't there for me years ago.

I'm not saying this is the way it should be for everyone, no way, I wouldn't wish those years of being invisible and inconsequential on anyone. Of feeling worthless and without hope, I'm just noticing for the first time that not taking that option hasn't stopped me for evolving and adapting to find something new in myself a place where I have decided I can exist and have for some time I think. I don't know if it'll be that way forever, probably not. It is in my nature and I think the nature of all people to change a little bit everyday. So who knows where this might take me especially now I am finding doors that lead me to new people who share these feelings or at least ideas.

It really is like a new world out there and how quickly the world opened up, maybe because it's finally the right time to go out and find the parts of me I am missing. I am also wondering about the parts of me I already have, what do I keep, what do I give up, why should I give up anything?