The End of the Week is Nigh!

Hey All,

Well a night of wild dancing abandon wasn't exactly where I ended up more like a sad lonely dance floor gasping its' last breaths and me desperately trying to keep it alive. In general I find lesbians to be not the best at keeping the dance vibe going ( emotive I know and please forgive me my sweeping generalization ) they tend to enjoy groping, conversations ( usually involving making fun of the people dancing ) and getting so drunk they can't speak ( which is sad )

Anyway I had once again over comitted myself so this week I not only missed Switchs' Sexy Mustache party ( which totally broke my heart because I have a real thing for a girl in a fake mustache I don't know why just do ) and then Lynnee Breedloves' show ( which I was again really sad about. It has made me wonder about how I am going to stitch these two very different lives of mine together. How do I bring my old friends whom I love dearly and my new friends who understand parts of me that I have never been able to talk about together? Is it even possible. I don't want to give up the history and time invested in these relationships but a lot of my old friends I have never even discussed the idea of Trans identity with. They know me as a female and not a transgendered entity. How do I talk to them about this?

My new friends ( well I hope they will be ) I feel we have clicked and I want to spend more time with them they have stories to tell that I want and need to hear and I have things I want to share with them. I want to be part of these amazing experiences seeing people getting up and talking about things I am still terrified of saying each time giving me more and more hope and more and more courage to take another shuffle down this road. I'm not moving fast some would say I'm hardly moving at all but that's just the kind of person I am I guess. Inside there is a battle going on, the part of me that doesn't want to mess things up with change and is afraid of where this will take me vs the part of me that says life is too short and I'll be damned if I'm going to look back and wonder why I didn't have the guts to do it. I think I know which side has won already but still I've not found the strength to move into the next step.

I guess I'm afraid of being hurt, which at the end of the day is silly, I'm hurting now, people hurt people that is just life. It cannot be avoided and what defines me is not the hurting but how I respond to it, do I have the strength to pick myself up and find a way to be a better me or do I lie down and cry about it? I want to be the one who pick myself up and shows a bit of courage but right now I just feel like a coward.

I met an old school friend a while ago now, we hadn't seen each other since we were children together and he told me that what he remembered about me most clearly was one assembly the teachers were ripping us out for water balloon fights that had gotten out of hand and they were going to punish the whole year if the offenders didn't confess right there and I stood up and admitted to the water play and defended our actions as being the way we as teenagers released our aggression and that is was in the grand scheme of things pretty harmless and they should show some understanding.

I had forgotten that incident, but I want to have the courage of that young me back then, the me that said to hell with the world and I'm going to do what I think is right, and I'll take the consequences. Oh to have that courage again, I weep for it, in the darkness of night when I lie alone I search myself for it and find I am wanting. I know I must make my choices I cannot lie in this darkness forever hoping someone else will switch on the light for me, consequences be damned I must find a way to do what is right.