I have over the years kept quiet about this subject as mentioned before. I have told myself to forget it, get on with things, that its all just in my imagination, a flight of fancy. I could keep on that way I suppose, but when you do that, deny the existence of part of yourself you loose more than just that part. You loose the ability to trust in yourself, you stop believing in quiet but very important parts of yourself, like intuition and self assurance. It took me a long time to realize this, I guess I'm a slow learner.
I have to believe I'm not making this up, I've carried these feelings around for basically my whole life. If it was just a flight of fancy surely I would of just let it go by now and for the first time I am accepting it I am finding happiness and confidence in myself. A desire to be better in myself and more me and to explore me, surely this means something.
I still haven't really talked to anyone who is out as a transgendered person about this stuff. I am still nervous about talking to another person and saying the words I've kept quiet for so long out loud. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, rejection, that I'll find myself wanting to change in ways that will upset the people I love again, that I'll get carried away into a place I wasn't really meaning to go, I don't know all these things and more. Even if these things come to pass I have to find a way to say out load and talk about this with other people who understand I need to grow and find a way to make this part of who I am not something I hide away and let eat at me from the inside.
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